Thursday, September 18, 2008

Everything Comes Down to Poo

I've fallen behind in my once-a-week updates, and for that I apologize. Not that any of you are suffering greatly because of my lack of self-indulgence.

Mom came to visit the 6th-8th, and it was a rollercoaster of a weekend. It was wonderful to see her and spend time with her (and we saw Frozen River, which I HIGHLY recommend), but she forced me to confront some things that I've been locking away for a while. Essentially, she told me that I don't seem happy. I used to go out and do a lot of things when I first moved here, and she saw that my activities had slowly dwindled until all they consisted of were kickball and Yuval. I seemed constantly stressed about the future and unable to have rational discussions about my place in it. My mom compared it to the kind of person who sits on a train and thinks only about the destination she's heading towards, as opposed to the other person on the train who looks around and admires the scenerey and the journey.

She was, of course, totally right: I have pulled away from friends, I have given up lots of activities in order to spend more time with Yuval, and I have become unhappy, fundamentally. I'd discovered that spending time with Yuval made me happy, so I came to rely on that to provide me with a sense of happiness and fulfillment that I should have been seeking from within. None of this was Yuval's fault. I'd just let my love for him turn me into exactly the kind of girl I hate: a dependent, needy girl. The kind who needs a man to make her happy. I used to not be like that.

So I've taken steps to get back to myself, something that I discussed with Yuval and he fully, totally supports. I'm actively seeking out more time with my friends, I've joined the YMCA and now go swimming at least three times a week, and soon I'll be starting Mandarin classes. All of these things are things that I've wanted to do for a long time, but lacked the self-awareness necessary to realize that I was stalling. For what, I don't know. Wish me luck as I try to get re-connected with myself. And to the friends that I've pushed away: I'm sorry. I got a little lost.

This whole post-college life is a lot more difficult than anyone told me it would be. But then, that may be because I promptly moved to an entirely new area of the country after school instead of staying in Cincinnati, an environment that's completely familiar and safe for me.

In other news! My Summer kickball team is in the Division Finals, being played tonight! GO GREEN TEAM! The Fall league has gotten off to a great start for us, with Raining Sideways 2-0 so far. I went to an amazing classical music concert that was organized to raise money for Obama's campaign. Nearly three hours long, but entirely enjoyable and well-worth it. I've babysat Dylan twice, and he continues to crack me up with his silly baby ways. Dad celebrated his 55th birthday on Monday.

And Yuval and I saw the dress rehearsal of Eurydice by Sarah Ruhl at New Rep on Tuesday night. Who's doing that for their senior thesis at Kenyon this year? I forget. But Jeff, while I watched it I couldn't help but think of how you would have directed it. New Rep's interpretation had very 50's costumes. The set was abstract, consisting of a back wall painted like sand seen through water and many silver poles hanging down from the grid that criss-crossed and had three illuminated spheres that changed color depending on the scene. And lots of water onstage. They had a working water pump that flowed into a trough constructed in the stage floor! And an elevator that unleashed a shower on its occupant when it opened! And rain! Made me think back to Kramers' Measure for Measure.

Massachusetts' Primary Election Day was this Tuesday, and I went to the polls around 7:30am so I could make it to work in time. And for the first time, I did research on everyone on my ballot, down to the Register of the Probate. Yay informed voters! Oh, and I still hate the McCain/Palin campaign with the passion of a thousand burning suns.

Tiger Rising by Kate DiCamillo
Dream Angus: The Celtic God of Dreams by Alexander McCall Smith
Starcross by Philip Reeve

Frozen River


Yuval Shavit said...

Wooo Green Team! :-) And troughs.

Anonymous said...

Awww... loves j00. :3

I'm glad you had this talk with your mom and I hope you feel better soon. Because you, of all people, can totally go out and make happiness happen when you want to.

P.S. - Kramer is doing Eurydice for his senior thesis.